Why so downcast? O my soul!

Because, there’s a mess up there.

Messy item 1: It is a sin to leave the office on time.

The punishment for this sin is mental torture. I often leave the office with guilty feeling, as though I have wronged against the company. Seriously, what is the big fuss here? I have finished my work for the day, there is no urgent work required, therefore I balik la… Why linger in the office for nothing? Come on, colleagues! Get a life!

Manager rationalizes the reason of staying back: You need to be seen together with the team. We do not know when the bosses will walk in to our workstation. So, arrange your time to stay back for some days.

Yada….Yada…. If I am the manager, I will encourage my staff to leave if there is nothing urgent. Your quality of work is sufficient to show that you are performing. Forget about staying back to impress your boss.

Messy item 2: Idle fats storage

Noticed weight gain of 1-2kg per year.

5 years x 2 kg = 10 kg = one size up. This is mind boggling!!!!

The main reason for weight increase is stress. Yea, ACCA is no joke. I lost many brain cells but I gain many fat tissues. No thanks! :( I EAT when I am stressed.

Stress is bound to haunt us on our way to success. There is little point in going on a diet if I cannot manage stress. How?

*Not happy in the office today. I ate chocolate.

Messy item 3: A friend name confidence is missing in action.

Where art thou?

I dearly miss thee.

Harken unto the cry of thy beloved, hasten and linger not.

There are 2 main causes that shooed my friend away, lack of knowledge and weight gain.

Messy item 4: Hatred (Sounds se-ri-ous!!)

I have tried to understand. I have forgiven countless time. I have taken steps to make improvement as commented and suggested. I have tried most of the things.

Still, that @#$^&*(^% manager is not satisfied. I JUST DO NOT GET HER.

I have pride problem I must admit and she noticed that because I seldom say ‘sorry’. I took her advice and make it a habit to say sorry, own up my mistake whenever it happens, because ‘sorry’ is a pleasant and magical word. Agree?

But guess what? There was a few times I say ‘sorry’ and her reply was: What ‘sorry?’

Hey woman! You make my ‘sorry’ sounds so cheap when in fact I sincerely apologize. Really don’t get her. Does she really need to push me to dead end?

Level of hatred: I do not want to be physically near her, like having lunch, take photo, only allowed work related conversation.

Unexplained pressure: As long as she is in her room, I feel pressured. Meaning I feel pressured every now and then. I have done nothing wrong but this feeling got stuck with me. *dislike this to the max*

Sigh

This is not the right atmosphere to end the year. Why la like that? Every morning, I ask myself: Why have to go work? :(

In search of solutions from the Almighty One.

Into the last quarter of 2011

Burnt, choked, suffocated, stressed, lost, trashy, failure, giving up, worried, miserable, weariness, etc etc. List down all the negative adjective you know and that spell my current situation.

Now, really. Why can't this study matter get over? Why must it keep bugging me? I can't move on with life when I have incomplete papers tagging along.

It is never easy to do revision. The passion is fading, energy level is low, focus is not straight but temptation of the world seems attractive.

Oh God, how do I work and study at the same time. Will it work out this time? Will I complete the final 2 papers this time round? Will I see 2 passes in my result slip?

Oh God, I want to be a diligent employee. A person who does things best, accurate and just up to the expectation. But how? Sometime, I just do not know how. It is like a dead end, no solution. Worse, my immediate superior is the most difficult people to deal with in the company. The learning process is hard and I understand this. But God, this is way too hard for me to take on.

God, how? Show me, please.
God, how do I trade my sorrow with joy?
God, how do I live under stress?
How?
How?
How?

TT

June 2011

*sneezes sneezes sneezes* I am having flu... T.T

I wonder what life has to offer. Or rather, what God has in store for me. At the moment, I am living a live of mediocrity. I am stuck in every aspect of life.

I sat for P7 Advanced Audit and Assurance this time round for ACCA examination. It was so hard. I could not finished it. To be rational, I do not think I will make it. Do note that this is the 3rd attempt for this paper. What the heck right?

Next, my salary is below market rate in Malaysia. A fresh grad with a degree qualification earns him/herself at least RM1,800.00. I am in the final stage - Professional level of ACCA and guess what? I do not even qualified for that amount. According to ACCA, which is known worldwide, a person who has completed Fundamental Level, which I did, is equivalent to a degree. I have exceeded that by passing more paper in Professional Level (completed 3 out of 5). I do not think I am asking too much if I am demanding more. Ok, I am staying with my dad and sister. Meaning I do not need to pay rental, dinner and grocery. Does that means I do not need the extra few hundreds? NO! It is my right to get more because I am qualified for it.

In order to be qualified as an chartered accountant, I need to submit Trainee Development Matrix(TDM). It is a document to file my working experience. I would need to answer many questions that is work based structured questions and not based on text book. I went through the questions a few days ago. In every performance objective, there are three questions to be answered. For most of the performance objectives, I cannot completely answer all three. That is because my current role does not allowed me to due to lack of appropriate exposure. I think I am deprived of career advancement. I need help on this. I am looking for appropriate people to advise and counsel me on this(filing of experience in TDM).

I am a parasit in church. I am not in a big church but I find it difficult to get involve in serving. This is not right. I am not sure what does it means. Could it be that I should have taken more initiative to approach people? I do not know.

It is hard to do devotion at home. At night, dad watched dvd or blasts jazz music. I understand his needs of relaxing after a tiring day of work. But what about me? My daily devotion is usually delayed till later part in the night when dad turns off those devices and goes to sleep. I sleepily read through the verses. Sometimes, I can not take it anymore and I will just head to the bed and sleep. How about devotion in the morning? Mind you, I have been trying since beginning of the year by waking up early but it did not happen. I just cannot pull myself up from the bed.

I am not obese but close to. I am gaining weight each year without failed. Honestly, part of my confidence and self-esteem give way to weight gain.

I am quieter nowadays due to several issues stated above. There are many issues to be dealt with in life. Some are easy, some are not. What I do hope is that I may go through this boldly and joyfully. I want to be able to embrace every new day with a smile.

One step at a time,
an issue at a time?

What else can I say?
Sigh.

Sigh deeply...

:(